Positive relationships

Does your child refuse to follow instructions, or ‘not listen’?
Does your child whine, complain, or yell when you place a demand on them?
Have you found that you raise your voice too often with your child, and that consequences aren’t working?

Parents commonly face the issues above. Your child’s behaviors might make you feel frustrated or just exhausted. There may be times when you just feel like avoiding your child or adolescent altogether. That’s a dilemma for when you want to be your child’s best teacher. Your child is not going to listen or learn from you when the relationship does not feel very positive anymore.

why positive relationships are so important

The first Content Page of the IEP for Home is about positive relationships. Be sure to read this page even if your relationship with your child is already positive. It will help you in your teaching.

Here’s the important thing you need to know: Your child needs to know that you love them, care for them, and will always be at their side. Nothing else matters. They need to know that even if you frustrate them some of the time, you have got their back. Teaching and Learning become possible.

This Content Page, Positive Relationships, is the first and most important Content Page of the entire IEP for Home. It’s the skill set that makes the entire IEP for Home possible.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD IS PROBABLY ALREADY POSITIVE

Take some time to notice what you are focusing on. Are you focused on all of the struggles and problems you are having with your child? Or, can you remember all of the positive moments and successes that you are probably also having? Train your brain to notice your successes. Your relationship with your child is probably one of the places where you are being more successful than you realize.

It does not matter what kind of disability your child may have. It does not even matter if your child can speak or understand language or speak. Most children know that their parents love them, care for them, and will always be by their side. Probably, your child knows that also. If your child knows this, then you are already in good shape.

One easy step you can take towards building a positive relationship is to tell your child: “I will always love you.” Another easy thing you can do is say is: “I will always be by your side.” One thing that the IEP for Home will also ask you to say is this: “Part of being on your side is being your teacher, not just the parent who loves you.”

Positive moments in your relationship, and micro-successes in your teaching, are the building blocks you need for success. These same building blocks are needed to teach your child all of the goals of the IEP for Home.

GoalS

Create a positive relationship with yourself, with other adults, and with your child.

OBJECTIVES

Build a positive relationship with yourself. Even though the focus of this Content Page is to build a positive relationship with your child, you might need to start elsewhere. Make it easy. Start with yourself. Practice feeling positive about you. Master the skills of the IEP for Home yourself. You will not be able to teach successfully if you don’t develop wellness. If you can sleep well, eat well, and have control over your screen time, you will feel more energized to take on your teaching role. Maybe you’ll try mastering other goals and objectives from the IEP for Home. Or, feeling well might help y ou to start focusing on your child’s needs. However you decide to do it, Mastering the IEP for Home for yourself will help you be a better teacher for your child. Your child will always be grateful to you if you are kind to yourself and if you invest in you. Take your time here. Invest in you. Treat yourself as your child. Master the skills of the IEP for Home. Then, discover how much teaching you can do.
Build positive relationships with others. You will need to have a positive relationship with yourself and with others before you’ll be able to build a positive relationship with your child. Discuss the IEP for Home with your child’s other parent. Share it with family members, friends, or professionals. Your conversations with other adults will help you figure out what inspires you the most. Those conversations will give you the inspiration to take your first teaching steps. Ask your partner, your child’s other parent, family members, and friends to be your cheerleader. You will need them to notice your successes. They need to tell you about everything you are doing well. They will energize you as you become your child’s best teacher.
Build a successful partnership with your child’s other parent. Build a positive relationship and partnership with your child’s other parent(s). The word “partner” refers to the person who is sharing the teaching role with you. It can be your child’s other parent, your life partner, or somebody else. If you are a single parent, see what you can do to find a partner. They don’t have to live with you. They just need to know which skill from the IEP for Home you are working on.
- A successful partnership is not just someone who makes you feel good about yourself. That’s important, but it’s not enough. A successful partnership involves seeing eye-to-eye. Seeing eye-to-eye does not mean agreeing about everything. Seeing eye to eye means you both know what skill you are working towards. You both have a plan for building that skill. You are both willing to train your brain to focus on what’s working. You are both focused on the strategies that work, not the strategies that you think are supposed to work. Don’t waste your time on strategies that aren’t working. Whatever is working is what you want to build on.
- If your partnership is going to work, your partner will have to notice your successes for you. You will have to notice the successes of your partner. The only way you can become your child’s best teacher is if you focus on what’s already worked, and keep on noticing what’s working. If you only ever focus on what’s not working, things will keep on not working for you.
Create a positive relationship with your child. Once you have invested in yourself, in your relationships, and in your partnerships, and your focus, you might be ready to build a positive relationship with your child. Here are some strategies:
- Tell your child about your goal: A positive relationship.
- Tell them that you plan to be a good parent.
- Tell them that part of being a good parent is to also be a good teacher. Your child already knows that. Be sure to tell them anyways.
- Positive relationships come from spending time together, having fun together, and feeling respected. Make sure that your child knows. “We are going to spend time together, feel respected, and have fun together.” Your child does not need you to spend a lot of time with them. But, the time that you do spend with your child needs to be intentionally positive and rewarding.
- Then, remind your child that you also have to be their teacher. Being a learner can be challenging. Being a teacher can also be challenging. Make sure your child knows that too.

Positive relationships:

what additional information do i need?

Use the accordion bullets below for ideas and suggestions. They will help you reach the objectives listed above.

Make sure your own needs get met. Your child will love you if you take care of yourself and set yourself up to be their child’s best teacher. Do small steps at a time, and take a few weeks or months to build up your own wellness. Many of the suggestions in the Content Pages are just as applicable to adults as they are to children. Here are some examples:
1. Sleep-deprived adults are not very good teachers! Figure out how many hours of sleep you need. Schedule a reasonable number of hours of sleep for yourself each night. If you like, just add 30 minutes to your sleep. After a week, add another 30 minutes. After a month or two, you might work your way up to 8 hours of sleep per night.
2. Schedule a time for yourself to eat a proper meal. A proper meal consists of some protein, some vegetables, some grains, and good hydration. One proper meal per day will require some advance planning. If one meal per day seems like too much planning, try planning two proper meals per week, and work your way up to one proper meal per day.
3. Schedule a time for yourself to move. If you want, combine your movement time with a fun activity with your child or your children.
4. Schedule and take control over your screen time. Recreational screen based activities can distract you for a while, but it’s not relaxing. Take control over your screen time. You could do a media fast, which means no screen time at all. After you’ve done that for a while, slowly re-introduce short amounts of screen time.
5. Look at the Jump Starters. Some of the Jump Starters might be important for you to practice before you start teaching your child.
1. Build your relationships. Have a date with your partner if you have one. If you don’t have a partner, have a date with a friend. Have a schedule, so that you get partner time or friendships time regularly. Start out with one a month. Then, work up to once weekly if you need it.
2. Have scheduled relationship and friendships times. Set up a monthly, weekly, or daily phone call or face time call. This is your time for someone to hear about what’s important to you.
3. Be intentional about your relationship/friendship time. Sometimes, you will need to spend some time just chatting and letting your voice be heard. Sometimes, you’ll want to voice your frustrations or your worries. Sometimes, you need to ask for specific feedback.
4. Notice successes. Successes are always happening. See if your family and friends can notice your successes with you. This role is very important for your partner to play. But, you can ask your friends to help with this also. Your small, daily successes are what’s going to end up in big, long-term successes. See if your friends can help you notice the small steps that you are doing right.
1. Understand what it means to build a successful partnership. A successful partnership does not mean that you will always do everything the same way or even get along all of the time. However, it does mean having agreement about the objectives that you both wish your child to reach. It also means having an agreement about how to share the job of teaching your child.
2. Discuss the Goals that you both want your child to reach. Discuss the objectives that you both wish your child to reach. Then, both of you will need to let your child know what the objectives and goals are. If you do not have agreement about the objectives and goals that you wish your child to reach, don’t try teaching just yet. Find out which objectives and which goals you agree upon before you start your teaching.
3. Choice of strategies. It’s easier for most children if both parents use the same strategy, but it’s not essential. You can each have your own teaching style. Be clear about the objectives and the goals that you both wish your child to reach. Let your child know how each of you is going to teach. Then, be sure to monitor your success at teaching. Train your brain to notice successes. Then, let your child know when they have reached the objective.
4. Jump Starters. if you are having difficulty coming to an agreement about the objectives and the goals, take a look at the Jump Starters. See if you can come to an agreement about the suggestions listed on the Be Logical or Be Strategic pages. If you prefer, choose a goal from the Content Pages that you both agree is important, and then select one or two (not more!) objectives. Work on those together.
5. Train your brain to focus on successes. Remember that the IEP for Home is organized in a logical manner. Your chances of success are going to be higher if you understand the logic of the IEP for Home. Remember that you both want your child to be successful. Give yourselves room to try out different teaching strategies. Then, commit yourselves to discovering what works best for your child. Train your brain to notice successes. Be honest, and notice what works best for your child. Your child’s success is what will make you feel the most confidence in your role as your child’s teacher. It will also end up being the fastest way of building a successful partnership.
1. Create a list. Set aside 5 minutes per day to remind yourself and your child about the fun times that you can have. You won’t remember everything the first time you sit down to make the list. Take a few days and jot down whatever you remember that’s fun for you and your child to do together.
2. Engage your child. Get your child engaged in your goal of building a positive relationship. Ask your child to create a list of fun activities that you can do every day. The activities should be easy to do for both of you, and not cost any money.
3. Practice having fun together. Build up the habit of doing fun things with your child. Try doing this when you have some free time, even on work days. Keep it short. Say, 15 or 20 minutes. Then, do fun activities a bit more often. After that, start to schedule special time or fun time with your child. Once or twice daily for 15 or 20 minutes is a good place to start. You can do fun activities that are longer when there’s extra time, such as on weekends or during holidays. Some of the time, ‘fun time’ can also just mean ‘hanging out.’ It does not have to be literally fun, it can also just be pleasant or comforting.
4. Practice noticing. Another way to build a positive relationship is to notice what your child is up to. Spend some time watching what they do. Comment about what they’re doing, or ask them to explain what they’re doing. Your comments do not need to be positive or negative, they just need to show that you are curious and interested.
5. I love you. Learn how to say: “I love you!” Learn to tell your child how much you love them, even when they are not behaving exactly like you want them to. Discover that your child knows you love them. Discover that your child can tell you that they love you.
6. Talk with your child. Talk with your child about the fun things that you did today, yesterday, or earlier in the week. Ask them about the fun things that they did yesterday or that they want to do tomorrow.
7. Celebrate successes. Notice successes. Be sure to notice when your relationship is going well. It’s harder to do this than you might think. When your child is clearly having fun with you, can you notice that? Can you celebrate that success with your child? You could say: “I really enjoyed that” or “That was fun.”
8. Screen time. Screen time is not a good long-term way to build relationships, but you can use it for starters. If you don’t know where to start, start out by just noticing your child’s screen time preferences. Ask your child to explain to you what they’re doing on the screen. See if you can join in on their fun. Talk about what you both saw on the screen. Use screen-based activities to do things together. You can make photos or do art projects using a screen. Or, you can sit and watch the same program with your child. Use the program as a conversation-starter after the program is over. If you like, talk about the positive or challenging relationships that you noticed in the program. After a while, move away from the screen. Screens are distracting! They can end up taking away your attention from your child. They also take your child’s attention away from you. Try to move on to non-screen-based activities to keep building your positive relationship.
9. Find ways to reduce screen time and socialize other ways. Developmentally young children enjoy peek-a-boo and roughhousing. Developmentally older children enjoy imaginary and dramatic play. Still older children are learning about board games, card games, and organized sports. Baking, cooking, arts and crafts, or building are good activities for many children. Look for online resources and activities that are good for your child’s age, your child’s developmental age, and your child’s disability
10. Socialize without talking. Some children don’t talk. Having fun with your child does not need to include talking. Don’t forget the power of watching and noticing your child. Your child will notice if you are paying attention to them. This is true for any child, even children who have a disability. Even children who have very limited language skills. You do not need to talk with your child to notice your child. Just spend some time noticing.
11. Positive relationships, Frustration, and teaching. When a relationship is positive, it can withstand people who are frustrated. You can lose your temper with your child and still have a positive relationship. However, that’s only true if your relationship is already mostly positive. If your relationship is not that positive yet, pay attention to your level of frustration. Don’t try building a positive relationship when you’re frustrated, preoccupied, or not very motivated. Your child will notice your lack of motivation very quickly. If you are not feeling positive, tell your child that you have to delay your special time with them. Better yet, try doing a special time activity that’s not too hard to do. For example, you can watch a TV program together instead of doing some of the other activities listed on this page. If you are feeling frustrated or tired, you can also delay your teaching. Do it later in the day. Or, do it tomorrow.

how do i talk with my child about positive relationships?

Your teaching will be much more powerful if you can talk with your child about your teaching. Tell your child what you are teaching (the goal); how you are going to teach (objectives); and notice when you and your child are being successful. In this chapter, the topic is Positive Relationships. Look at the examples below. Choose some examples, or make up your own. Start building a positive relationship:

Conversations about goals: I want to build up a positive relationship with you. I’m going to do more fun things together with you for a while. I think our relationship will get more positive if we practice having fun together. If our relationship is more positive, it will be easier to get all of our work done. Maybe I’ll get frustrated less often. Maybe you’ll be less frustrated with me.

Conversations about objectives. I’d like to have more fun with you. What do you think we should do for fun? I won’t always be able to spend money on fun things. Sometimes, I won’t have too much time. But, i still want to do some fun things with you every day. What should they be? When should we have our fun time together?

Conversations about Successes.

We’ve done something fun every day for a week now. That’s a lot more than before. I’m glad we’re doing more fun things together.
Even though we still get mad at each other sometimes, I’ve noticed that we are having more fun times too. Have you noticed that too?
We haven’t figured out how to do turn-taking better, but we’re doing more fun things now than before. I’m glad that we are having some success
Wow, this is cool. You are taking turns much more often now, and you let me choose the game that we’re going to play. I really like it when you can show turn-taking. It’s making our relationship more positive. It feels respectful when you know how to take turns.
We’ve been doing fun things for a while now. I think this is going well. What do you think?
I know our relationship is more positive, because i miss it when we don’t play together.
I know that our relationship is more positive, because you always remind me about our special time if we skip it.
I’ve noticed that we have a lot more fun now than before. I miss it when we don’t have fun together. I think it’s because our relationship is more positive. I like having a positive relationship with you.
Parents have to teach their children how to do so many things. If i did not do any teaching, then I would not be doing my job
It’s hard for me to be your teacher, when sometimes i just want to have fun. Is that true for you also? Do you wish we could just have fun every day, and not learn how to get our jobs done?
We’ll have more time for fun things if I teach you how to be independent
I know it’s tough for both of us sometimes, especially when I have to be a teacher. But even if it’s tough, it does not mean that we don’t love each other. We still have a positive relationship, even if I have to be a teacher and make you learn new skills.

“I know you, I love you, and I care about you

”

Teaching and learning can be frustrating, especially for children who have a disability. Knowing your child and having a positive relationship makes teaching possible. Children won’t want to learn from you if you and they are frustrated. When your child knows that you know them, love them, care about them, they will accept your teaching more easily.

Special mention about children with disabilities.

Children with disabilities take longer to learn. Keep that in mind for every Content Page that you read from the IEP for Home. Even learning how to have a positive relationship can take some children longer, no matter how well you are teaching them. Be content with a slow pace for learning.

STumbling Blocks

Let’s say that you are not experiencing success. Your child might not express an interest in socializing with you. Or, they might be getting too frustrated with you too often. Your child may have a disability that makes it hard for them to communicate with you. Of, they might find it hard to manage intense emotions. Take some time to figure out what to do. Be strategic.

You may find the suggestions below are useful for teaching all of the skills of the IEP for Home, not just for creating a positive relationship:

Regular practice. Make sure you practice regularly. If you are not practicing regularly, you may need to spend more time building up that new habit. Find out from others how they end up having fun with their children. Regular practice might mean once a week. if you are already practicing having fun together every week, try practicing 2 or 3 times per week. Then, build up to once or twice a day.
You can’t find time for practicing. If you have not been practicing, it could be because of your work schedule or other commitments. Can you take time off your other commitments, and commit to your child? Maybe you need to take time off for yourself. Maybe you need to take time off to invest in partnerships. Building relationships with others and engaging your child in learning are time-consuming activities. There are no short-cuts here. Think carefully about where, how, and when you can take time out for your child. This is especially challenging if you have more than one child. Even very short interactions of five minutes per day can have an impact. Be content with small gains over a longer time interval.
Screen time interferes with socializing. Maybe everyone in your home is spending too much time on the screen. Screen time usually prevents people from socializing with each other. Use the screen for socializing. For example, use the screen for video calls. Or, if you need to, use the screen to have a conversation. In the Schedules chapter, you’ll learn about the importance of limiting screen time. For now, just keep screen time on a schedule. It will give you and your child some leftover time for socializing. Try to get control over screen time, and make time for socializing.
Motivation to socialize. Your child is not interested in socializing in general. It can be much more difficult to have fun with your child if your child does not have good language skills, has anxiety, or is not interested in playing with other people. Just watching and noticing what your child is doing might be how you first start socializing. Just watch. Just notice. Ask your child questions about what they are doing. See if your child’s nonverbal behaviors show you how much they are enjoying your company. You may need someone to notice your micro-successes. Your child might be showing you more positive interest than you realize. Even non-social children, such as those who might have autism, eventually show you who is their preferred adult, or who they feel good to be with.
Pace of learning. Your child is not developing a social interest in you. Relationships take a while to build, especially when your child has a disability and might learn more slowly. Were you expecting success too quickly? If you have only been practicing for a week or so, you might need to practice over a longer time period. If you are already practicing a few times a week, change it to every day. If you are practicing every day, try practicing a bit longer each day. Do you need someone to notice your micro-successes? Maybe your child needs you to notice what’s been successful, even if it means something small. What’s tricky here is following your child’s lead. Make sure you do whatever your child is interested in doing, even if it’s screen time. Start there and then build up from there. For example, try making screen time into something social.
You are unsure of yourself. You don’t know what activities to do with your child. You might not remember doing fun activities with your parents or guardians when you were a child. Or, those activities that were fun for you are not interesting for your child. Look elsewhere for ideas. Keep practicing the suggestions listed on this page. If you are feeling insecure or unsure, be sure to speak with your child’s other parent, or your other partners.

when do i Consult with professionals?

Let’s say that you have read all of the suggestions on this page. Let’s say that you have read all of the detailed suggestions in the accordion bullets. Maybe you have even read the list of Stumbling Blocks and you’re still not sure what to do. Your child might be getting angry too often, even though you are doing everything right. Your child might have a disability. The disability might be making it hard for you to teach. Or, it might make it hard for your child to learn. For example, children with limited language skills can get frustrated more often. Children who have difficulty managing their emotions, who are forgetful, or who are disorganized can sometimes show more frustration in their relationships.

Always do your best to be a good teacher, but accept the pace of learning that your child is showing. If your child really seems not to be making any progress showing more positive interactions with you, be sure to discuss your concerns with others. If you and your child are not experiencing enough positive moments, be sure to speak with your child’s other parent, or with the other adults who are important in your child’s life.

Sometimes, it can be hard to talk with family members or friends about your relationship with our child. Consider talking with a professional. Professionals can help you to figure out how to talk with your child, how to create realistic expectations for your child, and to notice small successes. Ask your child’s pediatrician, or a child specialist, about what might be getting in the way of you and your child. Professionals who can help you include a child psychologist, a child therapist, a family therapist, a parenting coach, or another professional. Professionals at school might also be able to help you.

what are my next steps?

Be sure that you can play, work, and have fun together with your child. Only then should you move on to teaching the other skills of the IEP for Home. If you are ready, you can read the next Content Page.

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