Rules

Rules make your life easier. They also make your child’s life easier and better. This Content Page will show you why.

Rules can give you and your child a sense of safety, security, and predictability. They promote your child’s physical and mental wellness. They allow children to build important life skills and become more independent. They make social interactions and play activities more fun. Rules are also great to have when you don’t know what to do. They can be your automatic fall-back plan.

Even though rules can make life so much better, not everyone is committed to teaching rules. Rules are hard to teach. Children and youth like to resist them. Parents who are trying to teach rules sometimes give up because it takes so much practice time and so much insisting. This page is designed to share information that will make you feel more inspired to teach rules. Make sure that you teach your child rules, and make sure it’s enjoyable! Rules are good for everyone.

Goals

Learn the rules needed to assure safety and wellness.

Use rules to learn new skills, be productive, and enjoy recreational and social activities

Follow rules consistently without getting frustrated

objectives

Objective #1. Rules for physical safety and security

• Teach your child about safety rules at home, outside the home, and in the community

Objective #2. Rules for building frustration tolerance and healthy habits for living

• Using the schedule, teach your child about the rules for privileges. When will they occur? How long will the privilege last? When will you check in and make sure that the rules are followed consistently?

Objective #3. Rules for building independence and self-efficacy

• Using the schedule, teach your child the rules about routines. When will they occur? How will you both decide that the routine was completed successfully? When will you check up on the child and make sure that the routine was completed successfully?

Objective #4. Social rules.

• Teach the rules for socializing.

Objective #5. Rewards and consequences.

• Teach your child about rewards and consequences. Teach your child about why rules are so important and helpful by using rewards and consequences. Special note: Teaching about rewards and consequences happens last. Teach all of the above skills first.

rules:

What additional information do I need?

In order to know what rules you need to teach your child, it’s important to understand the benefits that rules bring. Open the accordion bullets below for more information about the objectives shown above.

Special note: Before you embark on teaching rules, you might want to review all of the previous Content Pages. You will have a much harder time teaching rules if you do not have a positive relationship; if your child does not have a good schedule for sleeping and eating; and if you have not set up a schedule of privileges and routines. Be sure to review those Content Pages before you embark upon teaching your child rules.

Objective #1. Rules for physical safety and security.

Some rules teach us to never do something, or to always do something. The rule never or always prevents children from harming themselves. These rules help to assure physical safety and security. Think about the safety rules that you need to teach. Look at and consider each of the environments where your child live, play, and work. Inside the house, outside your house, in the neighborhood, in other public places. Then, think about the rules that your child needs to know in those different places.

• Always keep the cap on poisonous fluids; Never store them away from the locked cupboard; Never put them into your mouth

• Always keep the knives drawer locked

• Always handle knives by the handle

• Always unplug or shut off appliances after use

• Never touch hot surfaces

• Always look both ways before crossing the street

• Never ride your bicycle on the street

• Always wear your seatbelt

• Never stand behind a car

• Always stay near to your parent when you are outside the home or in an unfamiliar place.

Objective #2. Rules for building frustration tolerance and healthy habits for living

The word ‘no,’ ‘not,’ or ‘later,’ are very important for building frustration tolerance. Frustration tolerance means learning to tolerate it when you can’t get what you want. It’s very important for parents to teach children that they cannot always have what they want, or that they cannot have what they want right away. For example, too much screen time and too many sweets are not good for health. Not allowing access to screen time or to sweets builds healthy habits for living. The words ‘no,’ ‘later,’ or ‘not,’ can be used to teach good health habits by limiting access to screen time and sweets.

The words ‘no,’ ‘not,’ or ‘later,’ can also be used to teach important life lessons. Sometimes, life doesn’t always give us what we want. Sometimes, we don’t get what we want, but we can work towards getting what we want. Sometimes, we never get the thing that we wanted. But here’s the important twist: When we don’t get what we want, life sometimes surprises us and we get something else that’s much better. It’s important to say ‘no’ to children. It helps them to learn about how to value what they have, how to work towards what they don’t have. It also helps them to wait for something that might be better than they ever expected.

Think about the rules you need to teach for building frustration tolerance and healthy habits for living

• Which privileges are allowed in your household? How often? for how long?

• How many routines or tasks need to get done before privileges are allowed?

• What limits will you set on screen time or sweets?

• What limits will you set on special privileges, such as going on an outing, or making a purchase in the store?

Objective #3. Rules to promote Independence, self-efficacy, and confidence.

When children learn to tolerate the words not now, and later, they learn to focus on what’s not so fun (such as hard work) instead of just focusing on what’s fun (such as privileges). Parents need to teach children ‘not now,’ and ‘later,’ because it is to crucial to their independence and sense of self-efficacy. It’s the only way that children can practice all of the skills that they need to learn. Children cannot function independently if they do not practice, and they won’t practice if they don’t wait until later for their privileges. With time, children can learn that working hard, building new skills, and becoming more independent are a reward all of their own. When they learn this, privileges start to matter less.

• What routines does my child need to learn?

  • Examples: self-care routines, managing personal belongings, cleaning up the bedroom

  • Examples: Helping around the house with clean-up routines outside the bedroom, meal preparation

Objective #4. Social rules.

Children need to learn social rules. Social rules are not as dependent upon the words ‘no’ or ‘later.’ Social rules are more positive and pro-active. The following rules are good social rules to teach, and are useful in almost all situations:

• Greet others

• Use words such as Please, Thank you, and I’m sorry.

• Take turns

• Follow rules in a game

These social rules are good to teach early and are included on this Content Page for this reason. However, social rules are more complex than just learning these few words. The next Content Page, Friendships, shares additional information about social rules and how to build friendships.

Objective #5. Rewards and Consequences.

Rewards and consequences are a part of life, and can be a part of your teaching about rules. However, it’s important to put them into their rightful place. Both rewards and consequences are not that useful if they are used too often. The real reward of following rules is the the safety, wellness, confidence, and respect that they can confer. It’s can be good to use a reward or punishment to encourage the right behaviors in your child, but the real reward occurs when they understand the purpose of the rules, not when they believe you are pleased or displeased with them. Rewards (such as praise, a special treat) and consequences (such as the loss of a privilege) are good to use for young children, and for children with disabilities, when they are not yet able to see the benefits of rewards. But, they are not that useful over the long term. Be careful in your use of rewards and consequences. see additional information in the Resources section.

Why children like rules

Children usually resist rules when you first introduce them. Children have difficulty accepting rules partly because their suppression or inhibition skills are not very strong. It’s hard for them to follow rules for this reason. However, children usually end up liking rules, because of all the benefits they offer. Rules help to create safety, predictability, wellness, feelings of mastery, and feelings of respect and fairness. Children love all of those benefits! In fact, once they learn the rules, children are often the ones who make sure that everyone uses them.

Teaching your child about rules: Strategies for the teacher

What strategies can I use to teach rules? Before you start teaching, make sure you’ve mastered the previous Content Pages. Here is a quick summary:

• Positive relationships. Remember to keep your relationship positive. Make sure that your child knows that you know them, love them, and care for them. They will accept your teaching if they know you have their best interests at heart.

• Sleeping and Eating: Wellness. A child who has slept well and who is eating on a schedule is ready for learning. Tired and hungry children are not good learners. Tired and hungry parents are not good teachers! Set yourself up for success. Make sure everyone is sleeping and eating well.

• Schedule. Make sure you have a schedule, and that your child can tell you what’s in the schedule. Be sure to use the schedule to celebrate your child’s accomplishments. Your positive feedback and your child’s feelings of mastery will become the main motivator for your child. They will become much stronger motivators than any of the privileges that you usually offer.

• Child-clear language. Explain the rule clearly. Telling your child about the rule once or twice might not be enough. Show your child what to do, instead of just telling your child. Ask your child to explain back to you what the rule is. That way, you can be more sure that they understood you. Then, make sure your child practices the rule. Practice the rule consistently. Practice it together. Whenever the rule comes up, verify that you and your child both followed the rule successfully. Clarity and persistence are true for any of the rules that you set in your house.

• Assure accuracy. Use check-ins and corrective feedback. When you first start teaching rules, it’s often a good idea to check in with your child right away. Show your child that the rule matters. Take a few practice sessions to make the rules clear, and to assure that your child understands. Once your child gets good at following the rule, try not always checking up on your child right away. Check up on them later.

• Persistence. Be prepared for resistance. Even though your child might resist your teaching, be persistent. When you are persistent, your child knows that you have their safety and security at heart. They will enjoy feelings of safety, security, mastery, competence, fairness and respect. That’s a whole lot of really important feelings to get just from having a few rules!

• Confidence. Make sure you feel confident about your choice of rules, and about making your child follow the rules. Use a neutral tone of voice to convey your confidence. Make sure your message is clear, that your child is listening, that your child understands, and that you both follow the rule together.

• Language. Here’s a trick for you to think about: Watch your language. Instead of telling your child not to do something, try telling your child what you do want them to do. Example: Instead of saying don’t watch TV, instead tell your child “Do your routines.” Even better: Instead of telling your child “Do your routines,” you can instead say: “Tell me which routine you’re supposed to do.”

• Consistency. Be clear, persistent, and consistent. Practice the behavior of following the rule with your child for a while, and then let your child show the behavior on their own. It’s very important to be consistent and persistent whenever you are first starting to teach. This is true for all children, and is especially important for a child with a disability.

• Find a good teacher. Be sure to consult with professionals about what it means to be a good teacher. Good teaching is something that develops with practice. Everyone who is a good teacher once had a good teacher to teach them. Make sure you find a good teacher for you.

What rule should you use when you don’t know what the rule should be?

• Think before acting. The most important rule of all is much more general and applies to many situations: Stop and think before acting. This is the best rule for any situation, and will almost always help you when you’re not sure what to do. Thinking before acting means that you can look at more than one option before you make a decision.

Not all rules look the same in different situations. What do I do?

• Different situation, different rule. When rules seem to change with the situation, remember the purpose of rules: Rules are always about maintaining safety, developing wellness habits, practicing skills to feel mastery and increased independence, and being respectful and respected. When you are not sure what the rules should be in a situation, stop and think about the purpose of rules. When you stop and think, it will help you to create the right rule for the situation.

Rules can be different, depending upon the child’s age. What do I do?

• Rule sometimes need to change. Rules can change when the schedule changes. For example, as your child progresses form one grade to the next, the schedule might change. Rules might also need to change too. Older children might be allowed to learn to use appliances in the kitchen, or wander away from their parents in public places.

Rewards, consequences, and punishments can be used to reinforce your lessons. When do I need to use them?

• Don’t use them first. Your positive relationship with your child, your continuous teaching, and your child’s feelings of competence and independence are the best reward for your child. They are the reasons why children learn and follow rules consistently, not any rewards or punishments that you might sometimes deliver. Make sure that you have a positive relationship with your child, that you have done good teaching, that you taught for long enough, and that your child can see the benefit of the rules. These benefits are the most important motivators for your child to keep following the rules.

• Use rewards, consequences, and punishments sparingly. Rewards, consequences, punishments, and rewards do have a role to play. Rewards, consequences, and punishments are discussed in separately in the ‘resources’ section. See the resources section and speak to a professional if you are not having as much success as you’d like. That said, rewards, consequences, and punishments are less useful than you might think. They can be useful if used sparingly.

How do I speak with my child about rules?

Here are some scripts that you can use to speak with your child about rules

• I want to talk to you about rules. The first rule is about safety. I am going to tell you about things that are dangerous, and how you can stay safe. First, we’re going to talk about safety in the house. After that, we’ll talk about safety in the car and outside the house. After that, we’ll talk about safety when we go on outings.

• If you follow the rules, you’ll find it’s easier to get everything done each day. You will know that you are safe, healthy, independent, and respected.

• I want to talk to you about the schedule. I am making you do routines before you get your privileges. Do you understand why it’s so important to do routines before privileges? I will explain it to you

• I have to help you become independent. If I don’t make you do routines, you will not be independent. If you are not independent, you will feel less confident. I am making you do routines so that you will be more independent and feel more confident.

• I am asking you to do the routines because we have to keep the house safe, clean, and respectful. If you act respectfully towards your family, they will act respectfully towards you.

• i have to make sure that you follow the rules. If you do not understand the rule, I will explain it to you again. If you do not want to follow the rule, you have to explain to me why.

• If you think the rules are not fair, let me know and we can discuss them again. I can change the rules if they are not fair, but we will need to discuss them when you are not feeling frustrated with me.

• I know that it’s frustrating when I tell you that your privilege is over. You are allowed to feel frustrated when I tell you to stop the privilege. I will not change the rule just because you are feeling frustrated. My job is to help you feel less frustrated by keeping the rules the same, not by changing the rules. The more you practice stopping the privilege, the less frustrated you will feel about stopping the privilege.

• I know that it’s frustrating when I tell you that you have to do your routines before you can have your privileges. My job is to make sure that you do the routines. That’s the only way I know how to teach you to feel less frustrated about them.

• Right now, I am feeling pretty frustrated. When I’m frustrated, I’m not confident. I am not going to speak with you when I’m frustrated and when I’m not feeling confident. I will speak with you about the rules some other time.

• I have to teach you about social rules. Social rules are important because they will make your friends to feel respected. If your friends feel respected, they will also be respectful to you

• You follow the rules so well. The best reward for following the rules is that you feel safe, healthy, independent, and respected. I want to give you a special treat or go on an outing to celebrate how well you are doing and to show you how proud I am of you. What type of reward would you like to have?

• You did not follow the rules today. Kids like to test their parents, and I’m wondering if you are testing me today. Here is what you need to know: I really care about the rules. I am not doing my job if I do not make you follow the rules. I am going to deliver a consequence, because I need to show you how important these rules are to me. The consequence is that you will not get your privileges today.

• You did not complete your routine. I can’t let you have your privilege if you did not finish your routine. You need to finish your routine. You can have your privilege later. If there’s no time left over for your privilege today, you will have to wait until tomorrow to get your privilege.

when do i consult with professionals?

The suggestions listed on this page do not constitute medical or behavioral health advice. The goals, objectives, and strategies shared on this Content Page are useful to many or most children, but might not be the right ones for your child. Only you and your child’s health care providers, behavioral health providers, or your child’s educators or educational therapists, will know if the suggestions on this Content Page are good for your child.

If you are feeling unsuccessful or just frustrated, you may wish to consult with a professional. Professionals can validate your feelings and help you to feel more confident that you are on the right path. They can help you to notice smaller successes, and keep your motivation up to reach your goals. They might suggest modifications. For example, they can help you to match the rule to your child’s age or your child’s developmental status. They might help you to focus on a different set of objectives, either from a different Content Page, or from the many suggestions listed on this page. They may decide to work with you and your child in ways that are different from the suggestions listed on this Content Page. Professionals who can help you include a child therapist, a child psychologist, an Applied Behavior Analyst, a parent educator, a parent guidance group, or a parenting course.

Remember: You and your child both want the rules. It does not matter how hard it is to teach them, nor how hard it is for your child to learn them. Rules will help you and your child will feel safer, more competent, and more successful. Be sure to teach rules. You and your child will both always love you for it.

If you are ready, click on the link below to learn about friendships

Copyright Division of Developmental-Behavioral Pediatrics/ Tufts Medicine Pediatrics 2023